About a month ago I was having one of those days where I wasn’t sure if God was listening, if He heard me, if He even cared. I’m sure you’ve been there. Wondering if your prayers are being sent to heaven or hitting a wall somewhere along the way. This was one of those days.
I had a training that I had to attend for work so instead of going home for a bit and then driving back out, I hung out at my office until it was time to leave. I hadn’t been feeling well all day. It wasn’t a runny nose or headache. It was a sickness that was too the point where I was a little concerned. It caused me to call the doctor and make an appointment, which if you know me, doesn’t happen too often.
The training required you to be at all the classes, otherwise you would have to start over. I did not want to start over so I pushed through the waiting at my office and when it was time to leave, I got in my car and started my drive.
The road to the training was what made the whole experience worth it each week. It was a beautiful drive. Imagine a country highway lined with trees upon trees. At this point it was the beginning stages of fall so beautiful autumn colors were beginning to peak through. As lovely as my surroundings were, my thoughts were ugly. I could only think of the symptoms I was having and how they would affect my future, my dreams, my desires. You see, without going into too much detail, I thought it could possibly affect my prayer of becoming a mom. I’ve been married to the most amazing man for almost three and a half years. Although we are not at the point of purposely trying to have a child right now, my heart is always in a state of longing.
As I was driving down this picturesque road, my mind raced through my worst fears: What if there’s something really wrong with me? What if I won’t be able to get pregnant? I thought you said I would, God? What about the promises You’ve given me? Do you even care?
Tears streaming down my face, I played and replayed the worst possible scenarios. I know there are greater tragedies in the world, don’t get me wrong. But this was where my heart was at. What God really as faithful as He claimed to be?
Soft and Clear
In the background there was music playing. I had recently downloaded some new music which worked well due to the static infused radio signal. I noticed the words of the song playing softly. The song was based off Psalm 139. The singer lightly described how God created us for something good, how He saw us before we were born. I’ve read that chapter a hundred million times. It is one of my favorites. I’ve only ever read it from the perspective of God talking about me. At that moment, I realized that it wasn’t only about me. It was about my future baby, the one I had worried that I would never have. As I listened to the rest of the song, I felt such a peace. God had heard me. He knew my heart and my greatest fears. And He softly reminded me that He not only loved me, but He loved my future baby. He has great plans for them. He sees them. And He is so excited for the time that He gets to introduce them to me. He made the radio have static so that I would listen to music on my phone. He picked that song at that time to speak peace into my troubled soul.
Last week a co-worker of mine left a card on my desk with a reference to Psalm 139. She had no idea anything about this story. If that doesn’t prove that God listens to our hearts, I don’t know what will.
God loves us. He hears us. He speaks. We must listen. We must trust.
He will do what He says He will do. My God is faithful.