When I was dating in my early 20’s, I was not living by God’s standards. I lived with my boyfriends, playing “house” and would flaunt my body and flirtatious attitude as a way of feeling empowered, liberated, and daring.
Yet, because I was living in sin, I gained the results of that sin in that area of my life. Feelings of being used for my body, rejection from boyfriends who did not want me/cheated on me, and other unfortunate experiences were gained from my impurity.
When I finally met my husband and we started dating, I wanted to do things the right way. Mainly, because I was a new creation and wanted to honor God with this new relationship, but also because I had never done that before—perhaps doing it God’s way would make all the difference.
And it did. We have now been happily married for four years! Even though our marriage has been blessed, we still have gone through a few marriage bumps along the way, like any other married couple. One of those bumps was our marriage bed.
The dating season was the easy part. Because we were maintaining a pure relationship, I didn’t have to think about my sex drive the way I once did when I was living a secular life.
While our wedding night and honeymoon were cherished memories that we’ll never forget, our marriage bed afterward wasn’t at all what we expected it to be. Sure, we both had sexual urges, but mentally, I wasn’t able to feel “sexy” for my husband.
Was it because I had become “too pure” to even think of myself in a sexual way? Or perhaps I was too afraid of feeling used and rejected the way that I once felt from my sexual past.
Regardless of what it was, this ate me up inside because not only did I feel like I was letting my husband down, but I felt utterly confused for having such a pure relationship, only for it to end up like this.
If I’m totally honest with myself, going from a purely nonsexual relationship to a “free-for-all” sexual relationship was an extremely difficult thing to adjust to. And to have to live modestly and pure with my husband for so long through our dating season, it seemed almost weird to now let my guard down and feel “free” in that area of our relationship.
I no longer felt that natural freedom and excitement to engage in sex the way I once had while I was living an impure life.
But we both knew that if we didn’t address it, that it would lead to a wedge in our marriage—something we did not want to happen at all. So, our first year of marriage was spent focusing on this particular area.
One major thing that helped us get through this was our communication. I shared every single thought with my husband on this particular area.
When I wasn’t feeling it, I’d let him know and together, we would slowly decipher the reason why behind it. Sometimes it was because I had low libido (which we discovered through many of our late-night conversations), and other times it was a direct result of the fear and rejection I carried with me from past relationships and into my marriage.
Though a lot of those conversations were extremely difficult to have, they got us to really open up about the situation and learn more about each other and our sexual needs/wants. They even lead us to see that part of the problem was hormonal and needed to be addressed.
Another thing that I had to focus on was my removing my sexual baggage from my past. God redeemed me and made me whole and new. And in order for me to live out that truth, I had to adopt that new creation in every area of my life, including this one. This allowed me to discover a totally new me when it came to sex. Though I once felt sexy doing or acting a certain way, I now had to discover how I felt sexy as a new creation.
Lastly, I needed to learn to love myself fully without shame. Though I now live a modest lifestyle, I can still love the way I look and feel when it comes to certain things, especially when I’m naked with my husband. Since we never got to explore this part of our relationship before marriage, it’s almost like we are exploring each other all over again. And that’s ok!
If you feel like you can’t find your “sexy” within your marriage, then dedicate yourself to a journey of living naked and unashamed.
Talk to your spouse thoroughly and consistently about your thoughts, emotions, and reservations. The more you include him in this struggle, the more intimate you’ll get heart-wise, which will ultimately lead to the sexual intimacy you’re longing for. Remove any baggage that you may have brought with you into your marriage. Take time to explore your sexual identity as a new creation in Christ.
God made sex to be good. As a wife, this is a gift that you can and should enjoy. And because it’s something new and different, it will take some time to get used to—just like when you first got married.
Embrace the love and joy that comes from God and your husband and discover what feeling sexy ultimately means and feels like for you. With faith and love, you’ll not only discover your “sexy” within your marriage but it will help take your marriage to the next level for years to come.
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